The old year has come and gone, and it took my vacation with it

In just under two hours, I will find myself going back to bed at my usual time. Tomorrow morning, at 6:00 am, I will wake and begin my usual preparations for going back to work. Bell Helicopter will once again be open and be my location for eight and a half hours, after over a week of being off.

And in 21 days time, it will be one year since I began working there.

I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Certainly it’s an important milestone to have been at a job for a year. But it makes me look both back to the past of all I’ve accomplished so far, and towards the future and what I see coming.

I have never ever intended to make a career out of this job. Which is not to say I won’t continue to work for Bell Helicopter, but not in Procurement. It’s a fine job, pays very well, and the fact that it’s union covered means the benefits are exemplary. I’ve never seen any position anywhere with better.

But that isn’t truly what’s important. I can certainly live with less if I really had to. I know what I am capable of in the technological realm, and I know how much I love it. I’ve always heard it said, and believed it, that you really can find a way to earn a living doing what you love, and I have always fully intended, at some point, to do so.

However, you and I both know what my intentions are worth. My life is fully surrendered to God, and I’m convinced that where I am has a purpose. I don’t know what it is, and frankly I feel like it’s a “holding pattern”, waiting for something. I don’t know for sure what it is. I have some ideas of what it could be, but none of them have a shred of certainty.

I feel like I need to DO something. That’s always been something I have occasionally struggled with, the need to be constantly occupying my mind, be it with some kind of work, or simply reading and absorbing new information. Having my life at the state it is in, it’s extremely hard for me.

I don’t think my friends, both here and in Waco, realize how dearly and greatly I miss them. I have spent the past 7-8 years of my life cultivating those friendships, that community, which has so dearly enriched my life. Now, I have been by all practical means cut off from it on a day to day basis. I find myself waiting and living for the brief moments I can rejoin it, and those are often my happiest days.

I don’t know how I can possibly rejoin, on a permanent basis, either of them. Those who I know and love in Waco are slowly but surely going their own way, living their own lives. Those who remain, they will not be there forever. The same can be said of the community I once had here.

It has taken me a long time to establish those roots, and now I find myself in the unenviable position of having to start completely over if I want such a thing again. I don’t even know if it exists somewhere out there for me. Or where to even begin to look. I just don’t know how much longer I can take living without it. Before it was easy. Every weekend I was in Waco, hanging on to what I had there. It was hard, but as my ex-ladyfriend was a part of that, it was worth it. Her severing all ties to both me and that has made it even more difficult to hold on to.

I have no answers to any of this. Only prayers that it will become clear to me soon enough.

For now, I simply have to focus on the now. What comes to me today and what will come to me tomorrow. Bell procurement is currently my job, and I’ve got work to do. And this weekend, Waco will resume it’s usual pace of school and whatever else to everyone there. I intend to be there, to enrich and be enriched however I can. See you all soon. And I hope your holidays were happy.

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    • godzwarrior
    • January 2nd, 2007

    dude i can SOOOOOO relate. i have been working at jobs where i do not plan to attend since june. since oct, i have been working 56 hrs per week. sometimes wonder if 10 yrs from now i will still be working at go-nowhere jobs and making 8-12 $/hr? because of my schedule i am cut off from hanging out with most of my friends. who i have also invested time and attention over the years.all i can come up with is patience. and more patience. i and many others would be glad to see you move back to waco, but u have to remember that a lot of friends in life do not last forever. i know that my parents don’t activEly maintain ANY of their college friendships. i would put forth that this holds true for most college grads. that is that nature of college friendships. a few may be close enough friends that you maintain the friendship for years after college but because of differing job/career/location barriers most will not last long after graduation.i started to feel this after my sophomore year. a lot of friends graduated that year. i realized that this is one of the reasons that Antioch stresses finding a community after u graduate. after graduating, moving, and getting a new job you are uprooted from all that was familiar for 4+ years and it is imperative that u set ur roots down is a good community. hope that helps. im right there with u bro. and when all else fails, go play WoW. 🙂

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